Burn Out

Almost two years ago I stepped away from art- completely.

I had decided I was an artist by the time I was three, and creating was the only thing I stuck with. I stuck with it like glue, and then suddenly I just couldn’t take it anymore.

It took nearly a year before I realized why. It had nothing to do with frustrations over failing projects, rejections from grad schools, not making money. This was what I told everyone, and it was what I told myself.

It takes time- often a very long time- to recover from trauma, much less to accept it and to be able to talk about it, to express it and to expose yourself. The truth is I couldn’t create art that was expressive, because I couldn’t bear the expression itself. My art was dying in a sense- I thought every project through, believed that each one had a purpose, but all but two came close to being true to myself.

The best advice I have ever gotten was from a professor who seemed to be questioning his own position as a teacher, artist, and father.

“You should be crying, angry, emotional when you make your work…”

I can’t promise these were his exact words, but that was the gist of it.

I stepped away because I could not let my emotions out into the world. I couldn’t even let them into my own consciousness. I did cry when I made those two pieces- the ones I consider to be the only true art to my name. I’m not happy with how they look, and one isn’t even finished, but at least something in me was expressed.

I can craft now, without the sting of pain, but when it comes to the artwork I truly want to make- I can still only dream up ideas. I know that I want my art to be honest. How can it be honest if I cannot be honest with myself? It can’t.

I blocked out art from my life because it became too terrifying. There were months when I didn’t even journal, where I couldn’t stand the thought of going into a studio. But now I miss it- the freedom of creating, not quite enough to return to the “art world,” but enough to know that someday I will go back to art.

Perhaps blogging is my (weird) first step back to my art?

Time will tell- in the meantime, I’m going back to painting a HIDEOUS purse that I still love for some reason… ;-D

Best wishes,

❤ Amy

Advertisements

5 comments

  1. mbfitzmahan · · Reply

    Wow, Amy! Very thought provoking. ‘The truth is I couldn’t create art that was expressive, because I couldn’t bear the expression itself. ‘ You must have some powerful art inside you. Makes me consider if I can bear the pain to let that kind of art rise from where I have hidden it.

    Like

    1. Thank you!
      The more I think about it, the more I wonder how much amazing art is hidden inside everyone, but just can’t get out because our own brains are trying to protect us. I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing?
      I suppose both and neither. The mind is a fineky thing, eh?

      Like

  2. kristinr · · Reply

    Amy, I have been there. I stepped away for 20 years. Art therapy, completely relaxing and letting out whatever came from within helped me back. I have a long way to go (I am playing it way too safe) and a lot of mistakes to make but am not going to be hard on myself…it’s a process. And tutors can have a lot to answer for.
    Good luck!

    Like

    1. Thanks so much ❤

      Like

  3. kristinr · · Reply

    Amy, I have been there. I stepped away for 20 years. Art therapy, completely relaxing and letting out whatever came from within helped me back. I have a long way to go (I am playing it way too safe) and a lot of mistakes to make but am not going to be hard on myself…it’s a process. And tutors can have a lot to answer for.
    Good luck! X

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Style Voyager

Hong Kong Fashion and Lifestyle Blog.

Graphique Fantastique

| Creative Lifestyle Blog | London, UK |

Mixed American Life

Mixed Heritage | Mixed Culture | Mixed Identity | Mixed Parenting

Roots 4 Harley

Changing the world via perspective.

Pitter Potter Mad Gardener

Sow, Love and Nurture

Ray Ferrer - Emotion on Canvas

** OFFICIAL Site of Artist Ray Ferrer **

Audio SeXXX

Eargasms found here!

Ky Grabowski

Today is a beginning; not an end.

MUSES

All About Arts

If there is any magic in this world...

The world can be amazing when you are slightly … strange!

The Cloud Pottery

Juliet Macleod: studio potter

Talent Flush Blog

www.talentflush.com

the novel of my life

questioning humanity since 2015

MBFitzmahan

conversations in black & white

Poems & People

what if poems could be symphonies, and people their orchestra?

WAGblog: Dum Spiro Spero

"While I breathe, I hope"

creative Therapy

unleash the healing power of art

ipledgeafallegiance

When will we ever learn?: Common sense and nonsense about today's public schools in America.

%d bloggers like this: